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I live in a dead community   
07:39pm 30/07/2016
So..... this is a cemetery, but I still live and this is really for posterities sake. I am 32. I am old. I'm still committed to Mike! Life has changed and yet hasn't. I'm content and yet I'm restless.
Everything changes while let's be honest, nothing truly does.
I am still Chris.
When I revisited this journal I realized that I haven't changed much and that is ....I don't know...it just is. It's harsh & it's unsettling and yet I understand it. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy. But I'm not content with myself....I see so much hope and opportunity when I re-read this journal....and I would short cut myself to believe I didn't still have so much more opportunity, life and adventure ahead.
After all, I have found love and found solace in it for the past 9 years.
I have a future - even when I don't believe in my ability to be MORE in that future- it's there.
I'm still lost.
I still believe in myself.

I am older- I'm not old- But I feel the years.
My face is still me - but I'm tired.
.....why am I doing this?
I return to post out of sick curiosity - knowing we have all moved on - but did you see this?
This is the end?
It is.

I hope to print this journal out in completion so I can put it in a box to reflect shamefully and shamelessly upon over years. I am a nostalgia junkie, and I can still appreciate where I came from-even if it is painfully embarrassing.
That's kind of what all of this was for though right?
Thanks for the memories.

32 years old, Tampa Fl
Ashes of 2011.   
07:26pm 21/10/2011
  I want to envision myself a pheonix-
&chalk this all up to nothing but a learning experience.
i want to rid myself of these shackles
burn away all that has plagued me this year
&arise a new.

just for the sake of record.   
10:21am 20/08/2011
  Everything keeps falling apart all around me.
Sometimes im shocked by my strength through out all of this,
but lately i've become worried when this facade will fall
because i feel like crashing
& falling apart
even when i know i have to hold us both up.

Its all on me now. And i dont know where to go or how all of this will play out.
i hate this waiting game.
i hate this.
im scared & i never say that out loud.
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04:31pm 09/04/2011
  So now I'm 27.
Do you feel any different?
no, not really. I suppose i just feel more so a stronger need to get my shit in gear and stop wasting life.
Do you think this time you are actually going to do that?
I would like to believe that i will, but i wouldnt be surpised if i didnt. Life works in mysterious ways they say, i think the less time i stress about making my life into some old concept of where i thought i should be at this point in my life, the easier it will be for me to embrace all the possibilities out there. No more worries. LIVE. That really is all we can do right? Just live, enjoy each new age, each new year, each new fad, new jokes, new artists, new tv programs, new hobbies, new smiles, new life. We're here for reasons, and life is the journey we take to figure it all it, and frankly im tired of squandering it on trivialities. So maybe now, that im 27, i'll learn to relax, release the panic button and just go with the flow. Maybe i'll stop beating myself up over all the things i havent done, and all the potential i never lived up to and just.....live for the now.
I just want to soak up everything that i can without regrets.
Sounds like a great idea.
Well we'll see how it goes.

Same ol' Same ol'   
01:31am 18/01/2011
  I have got to find a way to either get the fuck out of corporate america or find a way to work within it and still enjoy a day of work.
I have not enjoyed a day of work in more years than i'd like to count.
that is the truth.
im suffocated & im drained & im sick of it.

2011, i hope i make this year count for something. Im counting on me.

absolutley nothing new here.
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do you eat, sleep, do you breath me anymore?   
12:50am 06/12/2010
  the power and potency of memories can be so dis-arming and yet so intoxicating.
a sight, a scent, a song, a face---
and there you are, in that moment once again,
and you can smile and feel upset-angry-happy-frustrated- all of it- all over again-
and then its gone, to be stored away again until you decided to remember it once more.

do you ever wonder how many times you may pop into someones mind as a fleeting memory?
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Tis The Season To Be Loving   
11:46pm 03/12/2010

"Just because", he says when he walked in the door from a trip to pick up chinese food and cigarettes "I love you boo boo."

3 and ahalf years later and he's still the single nicest guy i've ever met. I love him.
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11:44am 02/12/2010
  It may not be perfect, but its right.  
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Whiskey and Assholes.   
07:36pm 01/12/2010

it makes me laugh.
there's a war inside of me.   
12:55am 01/12/2010
  Lately i've been feeling this great swell of emotions building up.
There is a war inside of me-
an army of doubts.
Sometimes when i close my eyes,
i can feel my body sway with the tidal forces that rage, that churn, that bubble,
that crash - right into me.

I have always thought myself the siren,
&lately finding my voice only feels like drowning.

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10:53am 09/02/2010
  Happiness killed the writer.
Its sad but true.

I'm asked a lot,
"Chris, why aren't you writing anymore? I miss your prose."

"I think its because I'm happy....."

Jessie had once said that she found an old man at a book signing and had asked him,
"How do you cure writers block?"
and he responded simply,
"There is no such thing as writers block, only weak writers."

In truth- all my best writings were composed out of my internal emotional conflicts with men. I rarely stood back and reflected on other things other than myself for the most part. I've always been self-absorbed. When I stumbled upon Michael almost 3 years ago now and fell in love, i didn't feel it fair to air out all my emotional baggage here for everyone to read anymore. How can i write about moments of anger and sadness with him if i knew i would feel guilty about saying things later on? The boy who could never edit his tongue was suddenly silenced completely.
I feel lost to written word now, and its truly dis-heartening. I want to break this internal barrier i've put up. I may not be posting it all here obviously, but i do have things to write down, emotions to feel through, times and people to reflect upon, failures to learn from and success to remember.

So i turn to you friends, old and new, how are you? Are you happy?
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An observation.   
11:22am 18/12/2008
  When im feeling blue, i never eat- infact food is the last thing from my mind- i tend to forget to eat all together.

Its become painfully and embarrassingly obvious to me that when im settled in, comfortable and happy with life, i eat alot more. My ever shrinking buffet of clothes can account for me. There's only so much i can wear now without looking like a fat guy in a little coat. I encourage you all to picture me doing the Chris Farley interpretation from Tommy Boy, just because- damnit, its funny.

As a lady at work felt for some reason comfortable enough to point out to me as we exchanged pleasentries yesterday
"Chris baby, whats going on here?" she looks me up and down then tries to grab for my stomach. "you getting fat?"
I believed i blinked once before i said as i slapped her hand away
"Well i haven't heard from the doctors yet, but i'll let you know. Bitch." and walked away.

Dont fuck with a gay man and his weight issues.
My Boyfriend tells me that i'm beautiful, and he better or else im about to get all 18 year old chris on everyones asses and start dropping weight like the economy is dropping jobs.

So in the spirit of being Healthy- which will be this years resolution "A HEALTHY YEAR" i joined the anytime fitness gym. Nothing like paying more money than you really should be paying at this time to say, happy holidays fat ass.
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11:21am 10/12/2008
  My My My My My.....

the last time i updated this journal was 35 weeks ago.
35 weeks.

With everything that's happened in the world over the past 35 weeks i'm just bewildered that i've yet to write anything.
And its not just here, its anywhere-
my note books are empty, my computer stored journals and stories and poetry-all stale-all stagnant. I haven't written anything in so long, i noticed it with a start last night. Something i had lost had gone missing for far to long.

In truth i've forgotten all about writing, i feel as tho i've lost my voice for prose. And i miss it. I miss updating this thing. I miss just writing period. Putting thoughts down into words.

I've been devouring literature in mass quantities lately. I cant seem to get enough of reading, which has planted the seed of inspiration in my tiered old mind.
So i plan on writing more.
a resolution to self.
Life is good.
it is
its strange and glorious and wonderful.
Love changes you.
Love changes.

peace on earth, happy holidays, till next time.

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One Year Hotter.   
11:53am 07/04/2008
24 years ago today the world got a little bit more ferocious. HappyBirthday to me, and thank you to everyone that made Saturday night successful, bad ass, OOC, crazy fun, and amazing! couldnt have asked for better friends and company to celebrate my favorite subject, ME! [i kid i kid.]

I can't believe im 24. The last few years seem to just whiz by in ludicrous speed, if it were to go any faster we'd all be plaid.
Im 24, and im happy, very very happy and content. Sure things could be better- but lets face it,who the fuck wants to bitch and complain every three seconds anymore? isnt there something alot better to do with our lives? like actually enjoy it?
I've been doing that alot lately. Enjoying life.
Come enjoy it with me friends, Im 24 and fabulous. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!Photobucket
To comm
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Merry Christmas Charlie Brown.   
10:15am 26/12/2007
  No matter how old i get, no matter how much i hate the build-up to christmas and all the bullshit that comes with it, When its over -- i feel somber.

I always love christmas- this year was no exception. It was spent with my wonderful family, my beautiful boyfriend, and lots of love from friends. It was a magnificent, peaceful and scrumptious day.

Me and Mike have so many fun dvds to watch, games to play, money to put towards bills, food from left overs, candies from stockings, clothes and bongs and oh just a bunch of shit. We made out like bandits!
This was our first Christmas together- His sister got us a "Our first christmas together" ornament for our tree. I absolutley adore it. After a fabulous and luxurios meal with my family, my bro's girlfriend and my sis' boyfriend on Christmas Eve- Mike and I had a warm and cute little christmas together. We opened gifts, smiled alot, smoked our new christmas bong, laughed, kissed and made love.
Christmas day he drove up to bradenton to be with his fam- but came to my parents house by two! what a great guy i tell you. he's simply the best. Sharing the holidays with someone you love is so incredible, and im truly lucky and grateful to have my man.

And now reality sets back in -- and i have work in 15 minutes.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Holiday! And if you have verizon wireless please give us a day before you come bitching to us about this and that and everything in between... Its the holidays mother fuckers.... Jesus christ and the manger with the wise men and there god forsaken gifts..
Come on, Vogue.   
11:14am 02/12/2007
  Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

i can see you masturbating you sickos.

*new pic* enjoy!
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11:25am 09/10/2007
  So i've been thinking of actually using this journal more frequently...if only for the reason that i feel i have alot to talk about these days and no outlet to get my thoughts down.
I haven't been writing or designing or doing anything productive really lateley- except getting fatter...which needs to come to an end before i feel completley ashamed with myself....more.

so lets discuss My Boyfriend Michael

For the first time in my life im with a guy that makes my heart flutter just to see him. A guy that buys me roses weekly to show his affection and cleans my pigsty apartment because im a slob. I met a guy that makes me feel comfortable, and confident, and beautiful and important. special.

Its like nothing i have ever witnessed before in my life. So many times i have dated someone and i felt the expiration date in the future- i literally could tell it wouldnt last more than 2 months- but with Mike-I couldnt imagine not being with him. in 5 months he has become such a rock- such a life support to me- that i feel completley honored to be his boyfriend. So in a very NOT TYPICAL chris move- i've decided it was ok for him to move in with me. Now- if you know me- than you would know- i am NOT a fan of co-habitation- i've never done it before never wanted to do it before- always yelled at my friends for doing it- but it just seems like the right step to do. Im more about living now than i think i have been in 5 years. Im in the now- living in the present and going to enjoy every turn it throws me. In truth Mike was basically living with me from the moment he moved to tampa to be with me- he had an apt with some friend {an ex boyfriend to be exact] but he was at my apt and in my bed everynight- the only time he was home there was to pick up clothes and drop off rent. And really - why should the ex boyfriend get the rent money when he doesnt even stay there- and his current live in boyfriend doesnt? So we made the decision to move him in.
The strange thing is- im not sick of him- on the contrary- i make it thru work knowing that he will be home to hug and kiss me. We have the most amazing sex i've ever had. All of my friends adore him. He is no fuss- just genuine. its like everything in my life is falling into place- and mike was the wonderful whp cream coated cherry on the top. and i want to eat him....but thats only because im fat again.

He met my parents- they took us out to PF Changs- and it was amazing- they loved him. We had such a wonderful dinner- and then we went to the bar across the way to get drinks- me and my mom got drunk- my dad kept huggin him and thanking him for making me happy- it was so cute. My parents- incase you dont know them- are the most adorable loving beautiful people- they are the best. And mike loved them- and they loved him- My sister loves him-she says he's her type haha- My brother hasnt met him yet..but hopefully whjen he flies home for christmas. What was also great is my mom was totally supportive of mike moving in- which like me- was totally unexpected but great to know.

So its safe to now say that yes- I am in love. And after last year- i truly thought it would be a long long time before i could say that. But i suppose when you give yourself time to heal- and open up to the idea that maybe you arent just damaged goods-maybe you arent just left over trash- than someone can come along and scoop you up and make you feel like you are worth a thousand bucks.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
and a picture of me from my friend crystals wedding in september.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Kip, Kris,JC,Andre,ME and MIKE doin what we do best.

i wonder...what would tyra think about this post?
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Fierce? Thanks tyra. Dont trip and kill yo' self now.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
god damnit.

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something fun.   
10:47am 21/09/2007
  If you comment on this post . . .

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll challenge you to try something.
3. I'll pick a colour that I associate with you.
4. I'll tell you something I like about you.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory about you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you (to which you must respond).
8. You must post this on your journal.

[get going you fucking sluts.]
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10:36am 21/09/2007
  Bjork Live was FUCKING AMAZING.
i seriously can die happy now.
It was SO FUCKING GOOD! She is beyond words live- she's like this alien being that can tap into your pleasure zones and make your feel sooooo gooood. i had chills, i had tears, i lost my voice.

oh, an im in love =]
DECLARE INDEPENDENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
12:18pm 05/09/2007
  I AM SEEING BJORK FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER IN MY LIFE. LIVE. MONDAY Sept.17th IN ATLANTA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Im so excited i could die.

And raise your flag- HIGHER HIGHER!
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